Nine years ago, I wrote this after packing late-night lunches in a panic before the first day of school. Wrestling with all the feels, I attempted to put words to my anxiety by writing my way through it. This morning it's getting an official re-publish...just in case someone needs to hear this today.
In the interest of full disclosure, my kids did not go to bed before 10pm on this Back To School Eve.
I have no meals prepared, no homework stations established and we did not get around to new haircuts and such. I WILL write them notes in their lunchboxes (maybe) but they will most likely be written on paper I grab from the recycle bin.
EVERY year when school starts I waver between the thrill of having routine back in our days and sadness that summer is over. I fight off worries that we didn't complete enough bucket list items, didn't vacation enough, didn't read enough. I mean, this year I have one who is home-schooling, and yet I really have only a marginal idea of what this will look like on a daily basis.
I have moments of panic that my oldest graduates in (TWO) years and I'm already feeling too many feels about that milestone. Am I giving them the attention they each need? Teaching the right lessons? Balancing work and home and showing them how to be real and be married and love well and grow in grace? And also, do they know which clothes can be put in the dryer and which ones MUST BE HUNG TO DRY OR THEY WILL ONLY BE SUITABLE FOR SMURFS?
I am totally impressed with the friends who have made back to school cupcakes, handmade lunch boxes and turned their husband's man-caves into happy homework hives. For real. I'm not even jealous. But I'm telling you, for those of you who are a little more P than J (shout out to to the Myers Briggs Personality Types), a little less organized than you were last year, a little more, uh, like the current Me, it's fine to just celebrate the fact that you remembered to finally email the school to tell them which bus the kids are riding.
Somewhere along the line, I stopped comparing myself to other people. But DANGIT, now I have to fight the comparison between my actual self and my imaginary better self. This is not easy, I tell you. I'm working hard to accept that there is only so much of me and where I end, God begins. Where I run out of steam, He gets to show me how creative and surprising and right HIS solutions can be. And He designated me (the Actual Me) to be Mom to these three. For a reason.
So I'm working on being content in my circumstances and content in my inadequacies. And I'm cheering for everyone who is feeling like your imaginary better self is staring disapprovingly at what your actual self put in your kids' lunch boxes tonight. May you find comfort in all the little things and joy in the mess.
Happy Back-To-School Y'all. You've got this.
